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Benjy: No, I ain’t talking about Communism.
Paul: So what then?
Benjy: Labor. Marx was like the first motherfucker who talked about the division of labor. It might sound simple, but it’s something no one talked about before. You see, we tend to think that companies produce things. And they do. But we talk about Nike as if this incorporated…thing – entity (right) – that actually makes the sneakers. But we all know that ain’t true. There’s factories all around the world filled with people who get paid shit to make those sneakers. You see, Marx said in order for capitalism to work we need two things: a market – people who buy shit – and a social division of labor.
Paul: What’s your point, Benjy?
Benjy: A social division of labor, Paul. You see, we’re talking social status vs. social class. They’re related but they’re different. Social status is about value; social class is about money. A teacher doesn’t make shit for money but they’re important, right? Everybody supports teachers despite their political party. I mean, who doesn’t support teachers?
Paul: What does this have to do with my hat?
Benjy: I’m getting to that, Paul – do you get what I’m talking about here? If we don’t have division of labor we don’t have goods. We need those fucks in India and Mexico to make our shoes for cheap so schmucks like me can buy them and assholes like Nike can make tons of money – all that needs to be in place for capitalism to work.
Paul: OK, OK, I got it.
Benjy: Now… this Ferdinand guy was talking some other shit. He breaks down what words mean.
Paul: Benjy, listen to me for one second: what the fuck does this have to do with my hat?
Benjy: Goddamnit Paul! This shit is important. People all over the world are getting fucking in the ass for pennies – people are bleeding out of their assholes, Paul, so the least you can fucking do is listen to me for 5 goddamn minutes.
Paul: Fine.
Benjy: Gee, thanks for your undi-fucking-vided attention. Now…this Ferdinand fuck says that words are signs and a sign has two parts: the signifier and the signified. A signifier is the word dog: D-O-G on a piece of paper. An actual dog is the signified. Therefore D-O-G signifies a dog, right? The word fire extinguisher signifies an actual fire extinguisher. But we can also argue that an actual fire extinguisher signifies safety. Do you see what I’m saying? This Ferdinand fuck talks about how things represent other things.
Paul: Benjy, I’m begging you—
Benjy: Fuck your hat Paul!
Paul: Fuck my hat? Fuck my hat?! If “fuck my hat” then why the whole philosophy lesson?
Benjy: What do you have to be such an asshole?
Paul: What?
Benjy: I’m trying to talk about something other than you fingering your girlfriend, and you’re—
Paul: What the fuck Benjy? Since when don’t you want to hear about Mona’s pussy?
Benjy: I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here.
Paul: And your fucking conspiracy theories are going to put you back on the wagon?
Benjy: This ain’t conspiracy it’s philosophy. Fucking professors an’ shit write books about these kinds of things. And yes, I do think knowing some of this will put me back on the wagon, Paul. I’m reading, I ain’t rubbin’ crab ointment in my bush anymore because I want to sniff some coke with Lisa in that fucking hotel by the George Washing Bridge.
Paul: OK, ok.
Benjy: So what happens Paul when you take Marx and the Ferdinand fuck and put them together? Huh?
Paul: I don’t know Benjy.
Benjy: You get a world where objects signify social status, Paul. You get a world where objects define people, not the other way around. That fucking hat Paul…that fucking expensive dumb fucking hat is what’s wrong with America. You buying that hat has destroyed more lives than fucking 9/11. You support modern slavery Paul. The world is about to collapse on itself, and our whole culture is on the brink of being liquidated – literally turned into liquid shit streaming from Justin Bieber’s pussy – and all you can do is stand there in that dumb fucking hat.
Paul: Benjy…you have some serious fucking issues.
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